Crooked mirror: why do we see ourselves differently than we really are?
Has it ever happened to you: friends or colleagues tell you that you look great, but at the same time you stand in front of the mirror and see a completely different picture? The compliments seem exaggerated, and your own reflection only causes dissatisfaction. Why does this happen? Where does the truth really lie - in the words of others or in the reflection that we see every day?
Psychologists and neuroscientists explain: our self-image is formed much more complexly than just a picture in the mirror. We perceive ourselves not with our eyes, but with our brains. This means that the reflection is constantly “edited” by memories, emotions,lived experience and even a short-term mood. In other words, we never see ourselves as we really are – we see an emotionally rich montage made up of many fragments of the past.
During childhood, this internal image is just beginning to form. The way parents or other significant adults comment on our appearance remains in our memory for a long time. A single remark like “don’t eat too much, you’ll get fat” or a joke about the shape of your nose can affect self-esteem for decades.Over time, school comparisons, media standards of beauty, social media with filtered images, and endless “advice” on what the ideal body should be like are added to this. All this creates the so-called “crooked mirror” – an internal mechanism that distorts the perception of oneself.
Cognitive filters: how the brain distorts reality
To understand why we have such a hard time accepting our appearance, it's important to know about cognitive filters - thinking patterns that distort our self-image.
Emotional thinking causes us to identify feelings with facts: “I feel ugly, therefore I am ugly.” In moments of sadness or stress, even the smallest detail seems like a huge flaw.
Black-and-white thinking leaves no room for in-between: we either look “perfect” or “terrible.” Even a small flaw, like a wrinkle or an imperfect hairstyle, seems like a disaster, as if we have lost all appeal.
Catastrophizing reinforces this tendency: a small pimple on the face becomes the “end of the world” in the mind. It seems that everyone around will only notice it and no other feature will be seen.
Focusing on the negative is another trap. When we look in the mirror or look at photos of ourselves, our eyes automatically “cling” to what we don’t like. At the same time, everything good – shining eyes, expressive features, good posture – is simply ignored.
Cognitive filters force us to notice only what confirms the negative picture. A person can receive dozens of compliments, but remember only one critical comment. As a result, it seems that everyone around them thinks worse of them than they actually are.
Mind reading is another distorting mechanism. We “guess” that others are negatively evaluating our appearance, even if they don’t actually think so. This is just a projection of our own criticism onto others.
Also often at work is the “should” attitude: “I must have perfect skin,” “I must look younger.” Such beliefs create constant pressure and a feeling that we are always falling short of an imagined standard.
And finally, comparison with others. Social media is full of images of retouched bodies and faces that look flawless. We subconsciously measure ourselves against these unrealistic ideals and feel like we’re falling short. But it’s important to remember that even those who appear perfect on screen have their own flaws and insecurities in reality.
Where do the roots of distorted vision grow from?
Most of our ideas about our own appearance are not born today. They come from childhood and adolescence – the periods when we are most vulnerable to other people’s assessments. If a child is often told that they are “too fat” or “have the wrong features”, this is recorded deep inside. Even as they grow older, a person continues to look at themselves through the eyes of those who once criticized them.
Social norms and cultural standards only reinforce these inner voices. Advertising, movies, bloggers - they all create the illusion that there is only one correct type of beauty. However, ideals change from decade to decade, but internal insecurities, laid down in childhood, remain and affect the perception of oneself.
How to change a curved mirror
The way out of this distorted view of ourselves begins with awareness. When the thought “I am not what I should be” appears, it is worth stopping and asking yourself: whose voice is this? Whose expectations am I trying to fulfill? Often it turns out that these are not our own beliefs, but the words of others that we once accepted as truth.
The second step is to learn to see the body not only through an assessment of appearance. The practice of body awareness (mindfulness) helps: feel how the body moves, how it breathes, how it reacts to touch. This allows you to perceive yourself more holistically, and not just as a set of “right” or “wrong” features.
Self-kindness is another important skill. Imagine if you were a close friend. Would you be as harsh with her? Would you call her ugly because of a small flaw? We are usually much kinder to others than we are to ourselves.
It is also useful to ask yourself: what do I really want from my body – beauty or acceptance? Health, freedom of movement, strength, the ability to hug loved ones? It often turns out that the body already gives us much more than we are ready to notice, simply because the focus is on perceived shortcomings.
It's important to remember that a realistic view of yourself isn't about loving every little detail or forcibly convincing yourself that you're perfect. It's more about taking off your old, alienated glasses and looking at yourself as a human being: with respect, interest, and warmth.
Our inner “mirror” will not always show the truth. But we can adjust it – weed out imposed attitudes, remove unnecessary pressure and learn to look at ourselves more gently. Because true beauty is not in meeting the ideal, but in seeing and accepting ourselves as alive, different and already valuable.
If you find it difficult to cope with your critical inner voice or distorted self-image on your own, it’s important to remember that support is available. Talking to a professional can help you see where these beliefs come from, learn to notice your own resources, and build a healthier attitude toward yourself. An online Психолог онлайн can conduct a consultation at a convenient time and without the need to leave home, which is especially valuable during periods of high stress or emotional fatigue.
